Let me say I don't mean harm; Oh, but baby, you'd be charming if you'd come undone. Get back where you started from.

Ah, it's that time of year again. Candy hearts, chocolates and red roses, dinner reservations and angry/sad/lonely singles.

I've honestly never been one of those girls. The "poor me, I'm all alone with no Valentine". And I've never been one to hate the holiday. Mainly because I'm blessed enough to have an amazing dad that has gotten cards and candy for my siblings, mom and I every year and I look forward to the tradition.

But, I've gotta admit. This year, the "poor me" thoughts have tried to creep their way in. Not in a huge way, just little by little, but that's how it all starts. "Man, I wish I could get some roses or go on a date, or even just have someone to talk to." But today helped remind me how truly blessed I am. No, there's no "Mr. Right" on the horizon at the moment, but you know what? That's perfectly okay. Honestly, if he came along right now? I wouldn't be ready for him. At all. Right now I've gotta "do me". And allow God to mold me and help me figure out who that is! Become "Miss Right", for whoever that man may be someday.

And while I might not have a significant other, I'm incredibly blessed with other forms of love. I have an amazing family, and a circle of friends that keeps growing and deepening every day and week. And of course, a Savior who loved me enough to die for my sins and to redeem me.

In a way, I wish we treated every day like Valentine's Day. Minus the commercialism and all the candy, cause that might get dangerous. No, not all that, but the essence of it. Being open and affection with one another, loving each other. God's been convicting me and dealing with me on my being hesitant to allow myself to be open and vulnerable with people. I can't hide myself or my heart away, locking it up so that no one touches me, I touch no one and therefore, "I'm safe." It's no way to live! It's not living at all. I've gotta learn to trust Him, to trust people and to know that it's okay. To be open, to love, to be loved. So that's my mission from here on out -- treat every day like Valentine's. Love like He's loved me. Give more hugs. Use kinder words. Love.

Orange is young, full of daring
But very unsteady for the first go around
My yellow in this case is not so mellow
In fact I'm trying to say it's frightened like me
And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from
Giving my life to a rainbow like you

I'm bold, bold as love
Yeah I'm bold, bold as love

and My own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight.

Life is a journey, not a sprint. I'm not sure who first spoke those words, but I'm sure they were speaking to a girl with a brain and heart like mine.

I'm an end-game chick, I read books with a vengeance to find out what happens. I love the happily ever afters and I love the time at Christmas when all the gifts have been opened and there are no more secrets.

But life is a mystery, and Rome wasn't built in a day. I have to remind myself of this daily, almost minute to minute, really. My relationship with Him will not develop rapidly overnight and my success and progress in life won't either. It's the little steps that get me where I want to be. And even when I'm "there", wherever "there" may be for me right now, I know I'll be striving for yet another seemingly distant destination of imagined contentment.

Life moves at a quick pace, it never stops for anyone. We're always growing and changing and evolving. And thank goodness! It'd be quite boring if we were the same all the time.

"You are the books you read, the films you watch, the music you listen to, the people you meet, the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner.

You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single second of every single day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence. Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind until there is nothing left to do but explode. There are no wrong answers. Inspiration is everything. Sit back, relax and take it all in.

Now, go out and create something." -- Jac Vanek

“Love is a gift, not an obligation.”

The peace I’m feeling today is such a overwhelming feeling, yet in a gentle way. Last night was the first night of Great Expectations: A Night Of Worship at Calvary, and it was exactly what my heart and soul needed. I’m experiencing Him like never before. I feel such a call to quiet myself and really listen. That can sometimes be a stretch for me, because I'm a talker. I communicate, I'm expressive, it's what I do and who I am. But He's telling me to listen. Listen to what He has to say — about me, about Himself and His love for me, about His plans for my life — read His Word and not because it’s what I’m “supposed to do” but because I actually want to. And really, isn’t that how He wants us to live?

I know there will be days I don’t feel this way, and I’ll be lazy and not want to read or journal or talk to Him. Lord knows I’ve had many of those days. But I know that He understands. And I know He’s drawing me into a deeper relationship, where it’s not all lip-service and pretty words, but actions and what drives me.

It's a long journey, from who I've been -- what I've been labeled as and in turn what I've believed about myself -- to who He's always seen me as. But no matter how long the journey, they always start with a single step. And another. And then another. And I'm walking, slowly but surely.

Don't save it all for Christmas Day, find a way to give a little love every day.

Ah, the Christmas season. As I heard it said the other day, it brings out both the best in people...and the worst.

Take today for instance (yesterday to be exact, Sunday the 5th). My dad and I were in Walmart picking up a few necessities, odds and ends and whatnot. It was a madhouse in there, I could tell it was going to be by the nearly full parking lot before we even walked in. I commented to my dad how it was "kinda scary, considering this is only the first weekend in December." We get to the check-out line, and there's this woman in front of us. She's quiet until the cashier accidently starts ringing up some of our items as hers, and this just sets her off. She starts snapping about how "this is the express line, it shouldn't take this long!", etc, etc. The cashier (and his successor, as he was about to go on break) apologized profusely, but nothing was gonna settle this woman down. She continued to rant until the sale was final, she yanked her items off the counter in a huff and stormed off......I watched as she walked off, yet stopped to continue ranting to a manager about this travesty. My dad, the second cashier and the people behind us in line all kinda just shook our heads in disbelief and chuckled to ourselves. My dad asked me later in the car if I'd noticed -- in the midst of this woman's tirade -- that the couple behind us had let two people go ahead of them, because they had fewer items than the said couple. It amazed me. Here, in the same line, was the best and the worst.

And it got me to thinking.....which person will I choose to be? Will I choose to let stress overtake my joy, impatience overtake my kindness? Will I let tiredness overwhelm my tongue and cause me to snap at loved ones? Or will I stop -- take a deep breath, say a prayer and truly remember the Reason for the Season? It's really something to think about. We can get so wrapped up in looking for the 'perfect gift' for someone that we miss the gifts that He's already given us and is trying to still bestow upon us! Friends. Family. Happiness. Health. The simple joys of life. A smile from a stranger. Simply waking up in the morning and breathing fresh air. That baby born in the filth and lowliness of a manger, to save our souls.

I don't want to get so caught up in the rush of it all that I miss the point of it all. Ever. In December, or January, or February, so on and so on. This, truly is my greatest wish for this Christmas season. That He would open my eyes to the hurting, the ones in need. That He would open my heart to receive what He has for me, and also to be grateful for what I already have. To both accept and reflect His love to all mankind. Because really....isn't that what it's all about?

Where the sun comes up about ten in the morning and the sun goes down about three in the day.

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” -- Nelson Mandela

For as long as I can remember, my family and I have visited my mom's extended family in Kentucky and Tennessee. We've always driven the some odd fourteen hours that it takes to get there, and with a family of six, that definitely has gotten interesting at times! Before the days of iPods and in-car DVD players (or at least before we had them), those hours were full of looking at the scenery (mountains aka hills to Texan kids are quite the sight to see!) and falling asleep to country hits on cassette (yes, cassette and not CD!). Restless Heart, Reba, Alabama....it's still hard for me to keep from yawning when I hear "Love In The First Degree"!

Although we've visited in the summertime before, our favorite time to visit has always been in the fall. You'll see more colors that God has painted the trees on all those hills than you thought existed! It's beautiful. And if you're lucky, maybe even a little snow.

And so, tomorrow we will take yet another trek northeast and experience all the sights and sounds that have become so familiar yet never get old. It's such a comfort, it's hard to put into words. Through the hustle and bustle of life and it's struggles, sometimes you can tend to forget who you really are. Situations and people change you and you may not even realize it. You're older, wiser, different, but inside really still the same. But it's like when I step into my great-aunt's house that has barely changed since I was in diapers, or bear hug my cousin and hear her signature laugh, I remember. The real me -- two and a half years old and decked out in a clown costume, running right into a stranger's house while trick-or-treating -- comes out. And she was always there, it just took a little reminder. It's amazing to me how much one can learn about themselves just by getting back to your roots...roots that you may not even remember or realize you had. I see my feistiness and sense of humor in several cousins, I meet other cousins I never knew existed, and it all starts to piece itself together like an heirloom quilt. The pieces were always there, I just didn't fully realize it.

I need You so much closer. So, come on.

I attended the out-of-town wedding of one of my cousins today. She’s in her forties, and was just married for the first time. My uncle, her dad, spoke of her patience in waiting for the man God would have to be her husband, and how sometimes she didn’t know if he even existed or was a part of God’s plan for her life. And I sat there thinking about how hard it must have been for her to see all her friends get married, and her sister find a husband and have a child, while she was still single. But when I saw the look of pure joy on her face today that never left her, and the adoration for her new husband, I know she must have been thinking that all that waiting, all that pain was worth it.

And the groom! Even a blind person could see how much he loves that woman. Ephesians 5:25 was mentioned in the ceremony, where husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loves the church. I’ve heard that verse so many times, but man, today it just seemed to click with me. His love for us isn’t an obligatory, stale, “churchy” love. It’s the love of a groom for his bride, a husband for his wife.

So many times we get this twisted and we’re trying to find that love in a man or a woman, a human who will fail us but yet we’re taking our whole beings to them in selfishness saying, “Here, meet my needs! Fix me and complete me and love me unconditionally”. When, first off, they’re human. They can’t fix or complete us anymore than we can fix or complete ourselves. And if we don’t realize and fully grasp that the Author of true Love sent His only Son to die on a cross because He loved us that much? We’re really missing the point.

He’s really been overwhelming my heart lately with examples of His love, in the smallest things. As if He needed to go to any more lengths or measures to prove His love to me! But He’s just that good. Like right now, I’m on my way home and I can see what looks like a thousand stars through the sunroof. The same God who loves me knows each one of those stars by name, even the ones I can’t see. Wow.

And as I type this, Issac Slade of The Fray is singing, “Oh, be My baby. Oh, and I’ll look after you. You are so beautiful to Me” through my iPod earphones.

There’s just moments, you know? Moments where you forget the silliness of life and realize what and Who is really important. Moments you’re totally overwhelmed, in the best way possible.

Here we are, we're still here. And what a beautiful mess this is.

Here we go! After a couple of years of writing notes every now and then on Facebook, I decided to create a home for all my thoughts. This definitely isn't the first blog I've started, however. I've had Xangas, LiveJournals, wrote notes on MySpace, you name it, I've done it. I'm hoping that I can keep this active and that something you read here will inspire you, help you in some way or reveal more of His love in your life.

I decided on the title for this blog pretty easily, actually. I was thinking about it for awhile and trying to come up with something that would reflect who I am and what God's helping me become. While I was thinking about it, the song A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz came on my iTunes. It's a great song, one of my favorites. Right above that on shuffle was I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie, another song close to my heart. I glanced at my playlist and realized that merged together and shortened a bit, the two songs reflected pretty much exactly what this blog is about. Life isn't always pretty, it gets messy, but I'm learning day-by-day to trust Him with all. It's the good and bad, the easy and not-so-easy. I hope to be transparent here, sharing my joys and struggles, stories about the people I love and those who have inspired me, and just random thoughts from my head. Put it all together by His hands, you have yourself a 'beautiful mess'.